iTS MORE OF

Its more of the way im made.I always seem to damper any attempts of letting go of my insecurities and ruin the possibilities that maybe i could just have fun.Have to always make ultimatums and debate the answers to my questions.I( still want what now I can never have,even if it could be for a short time .It would been a experience I have never had the chance to have.I know it was the one man that would of given me that.I decided to just learn from what i never lost,and see from where all my fear distilled in me hides.I know the trauma that was inflicted on me by a group that did not show remorse or any empathy .I now go through everyday knowing that I have to live with it alone,even if offered words of kindness fron an honest man.I never sought out counseling or said much to anyone.When i was captive for the 5 days I knew that I could never escape the terror of the nightmare.I know if I just ignore it and sweep it under the rug maybe there would be no need to silence me no more ,im not gonna tell i promise .It doesnt let go of the hold on you even after years im always confused on the how and why's.There really is no one that would comprehend the situation of occurrences that had a paradoxical effect on every part of my being.What can I do but to just try to mange of how to live .The daunting task is how can I lesson the intensity of the memory.Its vivid and fresh after i had a very long time to stop the reminiscence.Everything that happens in normalcy I take and relate it to what i remember of how i was and if im seen as they said to everyone.Im more in a state of calamity ,not saddened just in a type of heightened awareness of what i should watch out for so i don't end up in the same situation.I always look for the exits ,I always see hidden agenda,and always don't let anyone in .It seems safer not to trust that to trust and give up what ive become .I try to find reason for what it was all for ,maybe it was to test my strength.To see how much i could stand without breaking.Well i was so easy to confess anything i was lead to believe ,just to make them stop.I begged for mercy,I even was hoping that they were going to carry out what they said .Just wanted it to be over,and i felt i deserved it ,that i was somehow not a good person.I gave up my gods for they did not answer my prayers for help.I had no hero ,there was no one just me and them.