Scandalous Women: Invisible Woman - The Life of Ellen Ternan

Scandalous Women: Invisible Woman - The Life of Ellen Ternan: She is the shadowy figure in Dickens’s life, the woman who shared the last thirteen years before his early death. His biographers tried to e...

Frozen in the moment

There is no one to rescue me in the middle of the night from the monsters waiting in the dark .For that moment I realized all the the love in the world would not change the minds of what was about to happen.

Aldous Huxley's Brave New World

Tanya Davis performs at Words Aloud 9

granny dancing

Westboro Mingle

Living Life From Within: Unconditional Love or Conditional Illusion

Living Life From Within: Unconditional Love or Conditional Illusion: I am in love but…Is this feeling Unconditional love or a Conditional Illusion? How do I know which one it is? As much as you think is hard...

scharmanes writings,memories and poetry: short solitude

scharmanes writings,memories and poetry: short solitude:      Never alone with everyone else, by myself, to myself.Feeling waves of vibration, warm wetness ,drinking up your rays of light.Then I aw...

Blissful Ignorance is a myth

            Lost more than I care to ponder on, in the quest of my starry eyed blunder,none hit harder than being robbed of my pride and self-worth. Time to free up this torn up tattered completely shattered heart. Reality is paced at a slow crawl as all else is sped up.Youthful radiance turns dark from the suffering drank me up and now empty space has no spark.Trust again and again left standing alone in my atonement.The few and the proud only know actions of knowing not.A toast to be boasted in the roast ,cheered gleeful in accomplishing the destruction of a beautiful girl,into a pile of rubble.Soon as always is never forever along the fine line of infinity.Lost in the pursuit of finding flaws I see now I am who I am made to be...imperfect,when my soul died a thousand times in the game.    

My thoughts are of the awareness in all that perceive me naive.I will adhere to feelings of distrust and the awareness that I have the potential to be easily deceived.I cling to the hope of someday breaking my willingness to let myself be hurt. .It matters not that it speaks volumes of underlining truths .

I am feeling scared and alone,my past haunts me wherever I go.Panicked with fear of the unknown.Always never to know as to why I'm tormented so.I just have to shut my trap and my problems will be only known to me,cause  truth is no one gives a shit no matter what been done .Its my fault I feel unwanted and helpless.Now I have lost all hope in ever feeling connected to anyone who thought I was worth their time and affection.I should have killed myself long ago.Now I can see I really blew it.It would've been grand in the master plan I call life.It is but a game played by those fit enough to survive the heartache and not feel for justification they make-up lets them feel no remorse for me ever.

the deception

warmth ,comfort,belonging absence from the looking glass reflecting images of the truth that is my true self. to see inside i see that the truth tells many and also shows it wants you to believe.sinking in the shadows of loneliness the lie is the belief in that my heart hides.i ache knowing that i cant forget the truth denies validity in its intentions.it has pierced my soul,that weeps alone .the truth is cunning and convince your reality is not by making it impossible to feel real cause it wants to nullify hidden secrets that are clearly visible making you feel as if   your looked at as an object to be itself in lies intertwined with loving eyes.

I am alone,and that pleases the untruth,when I feel free to enlighten my spirit im punished with acts of  resentment in which they use humiliation and display anything that they can to degrade me leaving me isolated from all .Soon no one will talk to me I am alone

You say the ocean reflects the moon.The biggest grin facsimiles pretend to gain pleasant fronts of dismay.The belief the love awaits the horizons unwilling.My heart abodes to the direction of alone.This is the way played out in the path of the destruction's of crumbled souls.Yow are the winner of the prestige to carry the heart of cold.Held within the restraints of my passing ,is the release of the endless enduring of my suffering brought by the ruining of demise.I may just stay quiet before that time and wish not to speak of the pain that i carry in the depths of the falsehood of loves sought it will be sabotaged in the awaking.

unlovable

                 No matter how I behave they will see it as unusual or obscure.I don't have friends only talk to my mom and brother .My brother thinks im crazy because I don't act how ,what way should I behave that will win the approval of the hearts of the ones I love.Not to be loved would that suffice the judgments .Scrutinized under the spotlight.I cant even walk without that being made into a strange occurrence.I don't know as to why I must endure hardships ,but I know nothing of finding peace and happiness in the lunacy of others rage.

Summer Romance

                                     It;s always exciting when it;s shiny and new.Soon loosing its luster,I become rather now than later.Thought of as boring and mundane,your heart soon wanes towards another,fickle feral.Lost the closeness of hearts they will peril,doomed to fade.

I am in love with pain

                  I looked down upon the shimmering moonlight and saw the shining sun.I rise to view the dimming of day.I awoke to the sounds of hues in shades of grey.The darkness casting shadows of enlightenment at the dawning of days.I know what I am.I wish for the starlight to sprinkle radiance on the depths of my soul. Shimmer fractions of fragmented passion and catch the last glimmer of hope twinkling in my eye.I have no love as great as beyond the break of day.I cling adhering to emptiness seeking in my world of solace. The loudness of my kindled desire,bellows out beyond the misty green lines of never ending seas.It was felt more than I thought .To submissively relinquish trust in romance, for the pleasure seekers of mans desired wants.I know now love is  something i will never feel .I'm chilled from within by a shield of bitterness
.Numbing my satisfactions into vast frozen emotion.It is of no   importance that 
I pathetically implored you to the part of me unexplored sensuality

. I steadfastly adhered to the affectionate adornment you lent out.I  see with an outlook of misunderstandings that I took it to seriously.Addictions that ruin and deteriorate the most devoted intentions of a loyal heart .I feel the afflictions of the egos need to have ownership in
free spirit.To be used up and discarded aside for I am not the girl who is ever kept with the heart but the burning lust within the inner fantasies of a mans mind.Fulfilling his wants but mine never will let go of the fear of atonement. Always be it may that the profitable gender should waver and become more than a stranger it is just another way to make me let go of my rational thoughts.I can not feel the emotions even if genuine for its a fools gold rush.Thought to be all its worth.I'm displeased but content in being .So it is mine no matter how much cannot have .this is.It is all that I have become am and is all I have left. Surely it is more than just a minds endeavors of self gratification. Grab and ripping at the seams of my tattered heart. Killing my aspirations and trust.I walk alone and always will .Never found a crown befitting in the pride of its glory.

The art of perception

                         To hone in on the subterfuge of hidden agendas which are to be used to coerce someone into an idea or action.Persuasion is a tactical play on words and subliminal suggestions are used to program the mind to convert its beliefs or knowledge to theirs in the falsehood of the underlining facts.Covert hypnosis techniques are concealed within the context.It is unnoticeable to the untrained eye and can be done in a negative way to sell you the ideologies they want you to believe. Neuro-linguistic programming is the core foundation of this practice of assimilation tricks.Its not supernatural its just mind tricks as with any form of perceived magic  or mind reading and e.s.p.Now once you know the framework you can catch the manipulators attempts to be have you be agreeable to what they have said no matter how strong the conviction for contempt of you may have.As for me I can just see it so blatantly but from years of mind programming.I learned to find the outlets in which they facilitate the corners of mind control .I still have to say its something of a surreal experience as gaslighting and psychic driving are used in a ritualistic way to brainwash you to the facilitators way of thinking known to be thought reform.

iTS MORE OF

Its more of the way im made.I always seem to damper any attempts of letting go of my insecurities and ruin the possibilities that maybe i could just have fun.Have to always make ultimatums and debate the answers to my questions.I( still want what now I can never have,even if it could be for a short time .It would been a experience I have never had the chance to have.I know it was the one man that would of given me that.I decided to just learn from what i never lost,and see from where all my fear distilled in me hides.I know the trauma that was inflicted on me by a group that did not show remorse or any empathy .I now go through everyday knowing that I have to live with it alone,even if offered words of kindness fron an honest man.I never sought out counseling or said much to anyone.When i was captive for the 5 days I knew that I could never escape the terror of the nightmare.I know if I just ignore it and sweep it under the rug maybe there would be no need to silence me no more ,im not gonna tell i promise .It doesnt let go of the hold on you even after years im always confused on the how and why's.There really is no one that would comprehend the situation of occurrences that had a paradoxical effect on every part of my being.What can I do but to just try to mange of how to live .The daunting task is how can I lesson the intensity of the memory.Its vivid and fresh after i had a very long time to stop the reminiscence.Everything that happens in normalcy I take and relate it to what i remember of how i was and if im seen as they said to everyone.Im more in a state of calamity ,not saddened just in a type of heightened awareness of what i should watch out for so i don't end up in the same situation.I always look for the exits ,I always see hidden agenda,and always don't let anyone in .It seems safer not to trust that to trust and give up what ive become .I try to find reason for what it was all for ,maybe it was to test my strength.To see how much i could stand without breaking.Well i was so easy to confess anything i was lead to believe ,just to make them stop.I begged for mercy,I even was hoping that they were going to carry out what they said .Just wanted it to be over,and i felt i deserved it ,that i was somehow not a good person.I gave up my gods for they did not answer my prayers for help.I had no hero ,there was no one just me and them.