unlovable

                 No matter how I behave they will see it as unusual or obscure.I don't have friends only talk to my mom and brother .My brother thinks im crazy because I don't act how ,what way should I behave that will win the approval of the hearts of the ones I love.Not to be loved would that suffice the judgments .Scrutinized under the spotlight.I cant even walk without that being made into a strange occurrence.I don't know as to why I must endure hardships ,but I know nothing of finding peace and happiness in the lunacy of others rage.

Summer Romance

                                     It;s always exciting when it;s shiny and new.Soon loosing its luster,I become rather now than later.Thought of as boring and mundane,your heart soon wanes towards another,fickle feral.Lost the closeness of hearts they will peril,doomed to fade.

I am in love with pain

                  I looked down upon the shimmering moonlight and saw the shining sun.I rise to view the dimming of day.I awoke to the sounds of hues in shades of grey.The darkness casting shadows of enlightenment at the dawning of days.I know what I am.I wish for the starlight to sprinkle radiance on the depths of my soul. Shimmer fractions of fragmented passion and catch the last glimmer of hope twinkling in my eye.I have no love as great as beyond the break of day.I cling adhering to emptiness seeking in my world of solace. The loudness of my kindled desire,bellows out beyond the misty green lines of never ending seas.It was felt more than I thought .To submissively relinquish trust in romance, for the pleasure seekers of mans desired wants.I know now love is  something i will never feel .I'm chilled from within by a shield of bitterness
.Numbing my satisfactions into vast frozen emotion.It is of no   importance that 
I pathetically implored you to the part of me unexplored sensuality

. I steadfastly adhered to the affectionate adornment you lent out.I  see with an outlook of misunderstandings that I took it to seriously.Addictions that ruin and deteriorate the most devoted intentions of a loyal heart .I feel the afflictions of the egos need to have ownership in
free spirit.To be used up and discarded aside for I am not the girl who is ever kept with the heart but the burning lust within the inner fantasies of a mans mind.Fulfilling his wants but mine never will let go of the fear of atonement. Always be it may that the profitable gender should waver and become more than a stranger it is just another way to make me let go of my rational thoughts.I can not feel the emotions even if genuine for its a fools gold rush.Thought to be all its worth.I'm displeased but content in being .So it is mine no matter how much cannot have .this is.It is all that I have become am and is all I have left. Surely it is more than just a minds endeavors of self gratification. Grab and ripping at the seams of my tattered heart. Killing my aspirations and trust.I walk alone and always will .Never found a crown befitting in the pride of its glory.

The art of perception

                         To hone in on the subterfuge of hidden agendas which are to be used to coerce someone into an idea or action.Persuasion is a tactical play on words and subliminal suggestions are used to program the mind to convert its beliefs or knowledge to theirs in the falsehood of the underlining facts.Covert hypnosis techniques are concealed within the context.It is unnoticeable to the untrained eye and can be done in a negative way to sell you the ideologies they want you to believe. Neuro-linguistic programming is the core foundation of this practice of assimilation tricks.Its not supernatural its just mind tricks as with any form of perceived magic  or mind reading and e.s.p.Now once you know the framework you can catch the manipulators attempts to be have you be agreeable to what they have said no matter how strong the conviction for contempt of you may have.As for me I can just see it so blatantly but from years of mind programming.I learned to find the outlets in which they facilitate the corners of mind control .I still have to say its something of a surreal experience as gaslighting and psychic driving are used in a ritualistic way to brainwash you to the facilitators way of thinking known to be thought reform.

iTS MORE OF

Its more of the way im made.I always seem to damper any attempts of letting go of my insecurities and ruin the possibilities that maybe i could just have fun.Have to always make ultimatums and debate the answers to my questions.I( still want what now I can never have,even if it could be for a short time .It would been a experience I have never had the chance to have.I know it was the one man that would of given me that.I decided to just learn from what i never lost,and see from where all my fear distilled in me hides.I know the trauma that was inflicted on me by a group that did not show remorse or any empathy .I now go through everyday knowing that I have to live with it alone,even if offered words of kindness fron an honest man.I never sought out counseling or said much to anyone.When i was captive for the 5 days I knew that I could never escape the terror of the nightmare.I know if I just ignore it and sweep it under the rug maybe there would be no need to silence me no more ,im not gonna tell i promise .It doesnt let go of the hold on you even after years im always confused on the how and why's.There really is no one that would comprehend the situation of occurrences that had a paradoxical effect on every part of my being.What can I do but to just try to mange of how to live .The daunting task is how can I lesson the intensity of the memory.Its vivid and fresh after i had a very long time to stop the reminiscence.Everything that happens in normalcy I take and relate it to what i remember of how i was and if im seen as they said to everyone.Im more in a state of calamity ,not saddened just in a type of heightened awareness of what i should watch out for so i don't end up in the same situation.I always look for the exits ,I always see hidden agenda,and always don't let anyone in .It seems safer not to trust that to trust and give up what ive become .I try to find reason for what it was all for ,maybe it was to test my strength.To see how much i could stand without breaking.Well i was so easy to confess anything i was lead to believe ,just to make them stop.I begged for mercy,I even was hoping that they were going to carry out what they said .Just wanted it to be over,and i felt i deserved it ,that i was somehow not a good person.I gave up my gods for they did not answer my prayers for help.I had no hero ,there was no one just me and them.

tinkerbell1875's photostream

tinkerbell1875's photostream on Flickr.

some of my drawings and photos

around halloween remembrance

There will be no great love for me.There is only closing beginnings endings,of my fates predictability.How i am one who knows futures of tomorrow's grow bleaker.Most weep from heartache or loss,i weep not.Even acts of kindness is only for selfish egoism gain It brings a sense of a hero of the less fortunate to be what they know their not. Its all self gratitude pretending to be generous. I don't know what it means to truly care as im selfish in my wants.I pay the price of the gypsy curse of unfulfilled desires of anothers lust.Happy to be alone ,afraid to belong to that old belief of souls can be as one,my soul is for know other to own,it keeps me bound to lost love.

short solitude

     Never alone with everyone else, by myself, to myself.Feeling waves of vibration, warm wetness ,drinking up your rays of light.Then I awake to the coldness of my breath's condensation, the frozen frost of bitterness weighs heavy upon my hollowed chest.

the mishap of my thoughts

Wads of spit on the floor with every footstep,as I pass.Walking by someone makes them vulgar as for my disgrace.To despise my eyes that have no intentions of deceit.Get me out of this spooky, place,and kookie, kookie, lend me your comb.Flying clocks,unwinding,stops the stillness of the void of unyielding pain.Extraction,inflatable ,infallible dolls,mumbo jumbo my ears do speak.

in mid-summer of 2012

           My inside is showered with fragmented glass,cutting like gnawing flesh.Numbing tiny grains of sand grinding away .When will they end they're relentless madness of unruliness law.I have nothing left in me but emptiness ,there's to point to even care.I'm alone and i know that it is a safe haven within the confinement of my soul

I have seen the heart of bitterness

I have seen the purity of hate,the prowess of a distance heart,the cruel intent of acts of love,for it leaves emptiness in despair.Full of regret and sorrow,a constant numbing me deaf.offered as a sacrifice served up on the plate in the monsters stern,leaves dreadful unconcern.I mourn with the fallen angels and weep with the saints There is no crown of glory,there is no thrown without misery and pain.What lies are truths and know truth known,im alone

awaking of my hidden desire

Intertwining bodies, lovers embracing ,dancing ,tickles my soulful fancy.have me wanting more than what there is to know.Drink from the golden cup of life,free to be who i imagined to be

2004

I saw your truck outside the local laundry mat.I hoped not to notice the notion of youin my thoughts.Since i have been handed to others you know.To pawn my heart as if it of all to you to own.I rather not bother to fathom your face it makes me hesistant to be near,for I have a heart that only feels fear I always adhere to guys who treat me the way you do.Most just tell you what you want to hear then when all that you lost is your heart,only left is shedding of tears.

sometime in the year 2005

Behind my door lies my body upon insides of filth and decay.My heart aches for all eternity,its of my own dismay.Ever upon my hearts inner array of shades of darker greys,for im left cold and empty for i weep for mankind

these were my friends in the end

Its a territorial pissing ground,I refuse to heist my leg,take part in the conflicts it creates.They only show snide amusement of alpha dog mentality.I shine down,wishing for a beautiful democracy ,to bite down on the bone of hostility.Nothing is going to reform society into peace loving hopefuls who dont preach hate and inequality.The warmongers carry out shameful sins of joking meritocracy .I won't be within the world of those who wont accept that my zen reaches for a true enlightenment of a better earth.I sent out positive vibes that bounced off grey areas of rays they submitted with all the hues of greens and amber's of bitterness.Lies within the true nature of the jealous womens maddened enviousness of a closed mind and unopened heart

4-27-08

To speak of purity now that they made me feel dirty,filthy,for I did not seek it nor did I have any fun.It found me threw threw eyes of a green monster who I opened the door and let its wickedness enter and the girl sets its path and mine has took a turn for the worse.

4-22-08

I plea for help from someone who doesn't insist im insane.Know friends,no one to confide in,no one who cares to tell me the truth.I'm not dishonest,im for real,but this nightmare is my life .No witnesses to false accusations and torment.No one believes in me .I am the most unloved ,alone any person should bare.I don't lie ,cheat,steal or hate Plea for strength to help cope with overwhelming odds.My integrity is a waste and have distrust for everyone,they withhold the words that could free me from harsh judgment,when im innocent and told the truth.It doesn't matter I'm never going to feel the same .There was no reason for anyone to be put threw torment,I only want to be free to be happy and to be loved

January 20th 2010

Man,blonde,killed teenagers.I undercover dressing young,sting operation went bad somehow knew when he took the bait ended up with a shovel to my head.Hotel involved/trailer gutted out in the back,is where he took his victims,he had a son 8,didnt hurt him,the teacher of ways,liked girls admired,didn't rape,got mad when he thought they were thinking they were better than or somehow degraded him,he wore dirty bluejeans/receding hairline/very thin

April 22nd 2008

Alone watching for the part where her souls leaves body.Poor,lady in pain,knowing your faced with deaths door.

April 20th 2008

It's sultry,the air is stagnate.Feelings of suffocation ,meanwhile outside is a mild cool with not an ounce of precipitation.Im not alone in the quite silence,questioning thoughts of ,no way out of this reckoning madness.Cant sleep the hotness lasts and collects beneath my body Their are others watching which gives an eery feeling.It ruins my privacy and rips my soul from its goals.Stricken with panic,fear,overwhelmed with anxiety.My nonconformist views on life and society,brought down a furry of vengeance upon me like a sledgehammer crushing every aspect of reality.Constantly hearing and seeing eyes,with powerful words stinging piercing through my heart.

alone forever and always

i think its time for me to go back to not talking to anyone when everyone talks to much .I went and trusted yet again and now more people who i talk to treat me as im disposable and  have no feelings. what would they say when im gone does it matter, i think not.Its bound to happen like Marylynne Monroe. Im that girl you see just like that maybe not as pretty, but that alone

Is there a soulmate

girl weeping over lost souls entangled desires embodied,gone astray aloof,cold and dark in the distant horizon of no hope for us finding each other illuminating one another,luster dulls and fades,clinging on embers of the after,to dream never ending wishes sprinkled with stardust sparkling ,shimmering for a beacon to be seen .I know you not dream of me,and I cant forget how it felt and yet ache in despair of the teardrops that put your fire out.leaving my ego in a detrimental state i must go fourth in the longing search for my soulmate is he out there searching for me.